It has been four years of me being "single" but not because I wanted to be. February 11, 2012, I lost the love of my life and ever since then I didn't know where to turn. It took me two years to at least feel comfortable enough to "date", and not feel like I was cheating on him.
Honestly, I have tried my hardest to be in a serious relationship since then, I have never been the type to "casually date."
2014, I "talked" to someone, I dated in high school, and the whole year and he did nothing but play the "be patient, we will be together we just need to work on ourselves" game, eventually I got tired of taking someone so serious who didn't do the same for me and cut all ties.
2015, I did the "talking" to someone thing again, it seems I always more serious than they were. I was doing things as if I was in a relationship, they made me feel that way so I treated them accordingly. Once they got comfortable, things got crazy. This year was so rough for me, I said it had to have been THE WORSE year of my life. That sounds crazy, but its what I feel, but a friend of mines told me if I was able to still maintain after loosing Nyla's dad, this couldn't have possibly been the worse year of my life. However, I still feel this way, never in my life have I met a person who want's to do NOTHING but humiliate you, and take everything from you only for him to prosper, when all along you are trying to help him do exactly that. You would think if someone saw you were doing everything in your power to help, they would appreciate that and show it, but NOPE. This person drained me for everything and I let him. I had things stolen from me right under my nose, I was continuously lied to, mentally, physically, verbally, abused. So many things I accepted that I shouldn't have. I do not regret it all I just regret being so silly and stupid behind him, when it was clear from day one he didn't care as much as I did. I could go on and on with the bad but I wont. I just pray my heart will heal, cause truly my heart has been broken for 4 years now. I try my best to give men chances, but before I even try to take them serious, they do something extremely stupid, and BOOM, that's it, you're blocked out of my life, I just wonder why I never ever stopped giving these dead relationships so much life, but i am so quick to block idiots, who only show one sign of dumb shit. I have even passed up good guys, ones who I KNOW, would give me everything I want and need, but I was too blind to see that. I know thing's happen when they are suppose to, but I am still confused as to why so much has happened to me and WHY? I know I am not suppose to question why it happens, but I just do not understand. I try to do right by people and I just cant seem to get that from the male race, yet I see the Instagram models, strippers, etc getting the WORLD. I am not passing judgement, I just do not get it. I guess it is not for me to get.
I wrote this a little over a month ago (December 2015) , today it is January 20th, and I was definitely in a better place than I was September 2015, however I still was dealing with trying to move forward from a lot of the heartache and pain. I am not completely healed, but time does heal all wounds. Today I can say I feel much better when it comes to relationships, I haven't given up relationships, and I have regained hope, at the moment, I am just being patient because I know god is perfecting the man I should be with. I was picking bums who did not deserve me, I am learning. I always try to build men up, and accept them for there flaws and hardships but that has always turned out terrible. I deserve someone who is put together, and I wont settle....=]
So when I started this post I was wondering where was my Happiness, truth is, I had to find it within myself, and couldn't expect anyone else to give it to me. In order to be happy with someone else, I had to be happy with myself.
Honestly, I have tried my hardest to be in a serious relationship since then, I have never been the type to "casually date."
2014, I "talked" to someone, I dated in high school, and the whole year and he did nothing but play the "be patient, we will be together we just need to work on ourselves" game, eventually I got tired of taking someone so serious who didn't do the same for me and cut all ties.
2015, I did the "talking" to someone thing again, it seems I always more serious than they were. I was doing things as if I was in a relationship, they made me feel that way so I treated them accordingly. Once they got comfortable, things got crazy. This year was so rough for me, I said it had to have been THE WORSE year of my life. That sounds crazy, but its what I feel, but a friend of mines told me if I was able to still maintain after loosing Nyla's dad, this couldn't have possibly been the worse year of my life. However, I still feel this way, never in my life have I met a person who want's to do NOTHING but humiliate you, and take everything from you only for him to prosper, when all along you are trying to help him do exactly that. You would think if someone saw you were doing everything in your power to help, they would appreciate that and show it, but NOPE. This person drained me for everything and I let him. I had things stolen from me right under my nose, I was continuously lied to, mentally, physically, verbally, abused. So many things I accepted that I shouldn't have. I do not regret it all I just regret being so silly and stupid behind him, when it was clear from day one he didn't care as much as I did. I could go on and on with the bad but I wont. I just pray my heart will heal, cause truly my heart has been broken for 4 years now. I try my best to give men chances, but before I even try to take them serious, they do something extremely stupid, and BOOM, that's it, you're blocked out of my life, I just wonder why I never ever stopped giving these dead relationships so much life, but i am so quick to block idiots, who only show one sign of dumb shit. I have even passed up good guys, ones who I KNOW, would give me everything I want and need, but I was too blind to see that. I know thing's happen when they are suppose to, but I am still confused as to why so much has happened to me and WHY? I know I am not suppose to question why it happens, but I just do not understand. I try to do right by people and I just cant seem to get that from the male race, yet I see the Instagram models, strippers, etc getting the WORLD. I am not passing judgement, I just do not get it. I guess it is not for me to get.
I wrote this a little over a month ago (December 2015) , today it is January 20th, and I was definitely in a better place than I was September 2015, however I still was dealing with trying to move forward from a lot of the heartache and pain. I am not completely healed, but time does heal all wounds. Today I can say I feel much better when it comes to relationships, I haven't given up relationships, and I have regained hope, at the moment, I am just being patient because I know god is perfecting the man I should be with. I was picking bums who did not deserve me, I am learning. I always try to build men up, and accept them for there flaws and hardships but that has always turned out terrible. I deserve someone who is put together, and I wont settle....=]
So when I started this post I was wondering where was my Happiness, truth is, I had to find it within myself, and couldn't expect anyone else to give it to me. In order to be happy with someone else, I had to be happy with myself.
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